Earlier this year, back when it was still cold and the thought of a nice hot bowl of chili sounded really appetizing, I came upon a can of Ninja Beans. Actually, the beans weren't ninja - it was the can. They slyly sat on my shelf looking all innocent and harmless. The truth didn't come out until it was time to make the chili. The can - the perfectly round, undented, unflawed can - had a secret. Someone had been teaching this can how to master the art of unopenability. It meditated daily and practiced its newfound skills. If it could master these skills in time, it would be able to withstand even the sharpest and strongest of can openers!
Luckily for me, the can had not yet reached the master level, although it did give me a run for my money. (About $0.88.) I caught the can off guard with my trusty manual can opener. No fancy machines needed here! But soon the can called on its training and began to fight back. Suddenly the blade on my can opener was having no effect on the formerly weak metal. I squeezed the handles harder, and I cranked and cranked the can opener, all to no avail. Yet I was not about to give up! I tried to pry up the edge of the lid enough to pour out the beans, but too much of the lid was still holding firm. I needed to find a way to cut away more of the can. I was determined. I wanted my freaking chili, darn it! So I took my can opener and manhandled that can to the best of my abilities. I banged, and I twisted. I worked the sharp edge at a different angle against the can. By now the can was all kinds of warped and it was getting harder and harder to even reach the can anymore.
PS - The chili was awesome, and I didn't even starve to death before I could eat it.
It helps to have a bayonet with saw teeth on the backside of the blade. Spike the bayonet through the can sideways, then sawwwww all the way around. QED. ;-) Best done in the pouring rain in a foxhole at night, for the best eating atmosphere.
ReplyDeleteI use a manual can opener too. Not because I want to but because there aren't enough outlets nor enough counter space to have an electric can opener. My cans always look like that when I am through opening them.
ReplyDeleteMarvin - I'll have to check out my local Bed Bath & Beyond and see if they have any in stock. Or at least the Military Surplus store. I'd probably cut myself more often than the can though.
ReplyDeleteJen - It was so bad I thought maybe my can opener blade was just getting dull, but it's opened everything else since then just fine. Stupid ninja can...
I would expect this level of ninja magic from, say, a can of corn or peas. But beans? Amazing.
ReplyDeleteJD - I KNOW! Caught me totally off guard.
ReplyDeleteLOVE IT! You go!!!! I have actually used my can opener to punch a hole, move it, punch a hole, move it.... I assume we all should be eating from our gardens instead... I think it is a sign!
ReplyDeleteKatherine - Yep, I've had to do that too. I think in the time it took me to get that can open, I probably could have cooked dry beans!
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